The Final Fantasy XIII Pulse Trailer Spoof
by secretgal
Summary: Time for another trailer parody. I appologize here for any stupid or flat jokes.


The trailer opens with the whole group of Lightning, Snow, Vanille, Sazh, Hope, and Fang getting away from something by riding a purple mutated Dino type monster. They seem to be having a little bit of trouble adjusting as the beast swerves about. Even though their lives are in danger, they're still in a Final Fantasy game so they have to pose like they are models. Hope is holding on for dear life, but still manages to look cute. Vanille looks like a super model. Fang looks like she's happy to have screen time. Lightning is intensely looking at something off-screen. Snow appears to be looking at Lightning hair, perhaps brooding about Serah. Finally, Sazh, being the comic relief that he is, is holding on for dear life. He's screaming something like, "Get me off this thing! I hate rides."

The beast then flies through the sky, as a few beams of light shoot by. These shots are from the ticked off Snow/Lightning shippers who are still sore about Serah being Snow's squeeze. The amount of blasts seems to be too much, as Fang yells something like, "Abandon ship!" Everyone jumps off, perhaps falling to their death. But this is a Final Fantasy game, so their hairs and magic gravity powers will keep them safe.

We then see Snow and Serah talking. Serah says something like, "Remember the shiny thing that I told you about. Well, it wasn't shiny." She shows Snow her arm which has some sort of black tattoo that must have been the result of a wild night on the town.

Snow is stunned and backs away.

"I thought it was fun," Serah continues, "but the shiny thing lied. And now…I'm stuck with this stupid tattoo."

Next is a scene of Lightning telling Hope about her past: "So basically, everyone thought that the reason I use a stupid nature name is because I lost my memory, like Cloud Strife. But the director thought that would be a rip off and decided to make a crappy story about how I willed myself to forget my past. For some reason, I never asked Serah what my real name was, and now I'm screwed."

This is followed with Fang and Lightning having a conversation. "I like your outfit," Lightning says. "It's very blue...and tribal."

"Thank you," Fang replies. "I'm just happy I'm not the only manly girl in this game."

Snow is then seen holding a bar of blue soap. "I need to be a man. I am nothing without my muscles. And to show this, I will now beat my chest."

Next is a rehash of scenes: Serah and the shiny lights, Lightning and the plot device of doom, the pleading of Yaag for Snow's shirt.

Finally a new scene of Hope and Lightning: "If it's okay, I don't want to be a girly boy anymore," he explains.

"Are you sure?" Lightning replies.

"Yeah. I need to be a strong, brave male lead, since Snow is so screwed up." And then, Lightning smiles. The fandom shudders. "Oh Lightning," Hope adds, "don't smile again."

Now we see the new gal pals Lightning and Fang talking.

"I get all of my stuff from Hot Topic, E-Bay, and weird hippies," Fang says. "That way, I get all of the hot stuff for a really cheap price. I figure as long as I am decently dressed, I can be called sexy without showing too much skin. Best of both worlds really."

Next is a man walking up to Snow. Fang is in the background because she's making up for her lack of appearances in the previous trailers for the past two years. Snow has his hands cuffed, and I don't want to think about why. Perhaps "To Catch a Predator" finally found out about his relationship with Serah.

"Snow? You wanted a male character not here for comic relief or girlyness?" says the man. The camera then pans up to reveal perhaps the hottest guy in this trailer. "I am here to help."

Fang walks off screen and into Vanille. "Remember how much you like sugar and rainbows?" she says. Vanille nods her head. "Well, if you close your eyes and count to three, they'll appear."

Vanille dose this and Fang jumps epically away, trapping Vanille in a pod.

"Wait," Vanille screams, "there's no sugar!"

Next is Snow and Lightning comforting Hope. "Remember how you said you wanted to be a strong character," Lightning says. "Well, you need to think positive and be brave."

She then smiles…again.

"I told you not to smile!" Hope screams and continues to cry.

Now comes a scene with some old guy, with REALLY long finger nails. "Blah blah, generic government guy, blah blah, global warming, blah blah, why am I wearing a veil, blah blah."

The hot guy from earlier and yet another really sexy guy show up to interrupt the blahing.

"Why do I look like Aragorn from Lord of the Rings?" the new one says. "I feel cheap."

"Look on the bright side," says hot guy number two, "you don't look like Sasuke, Noctis and every other generic anime character ever created."

More rehash of old scenes.

The newest scene is Fang cornering everyone else from the party. All of them have a look like, 'seriously, you really don't have to be like that Fang. We've seen every trick in the book.' Sazh does not share that view point as he is waving his hands in the air like a scared cat.

"You don't get it!" pouts Fang, "I need to look tough by holding this spear. LOOK SCARED!"

We now see Snow and Lightning on a hill. "So, about that whole kiss with your sister," Snow says, "do you think the fans will kill us?"

Lightning hits him in the back and goes, "Well, maybe. But if we look like we could still be a couple, I think we'll be fine...at least until the game is released."

She then walks next to Snow as the camera pans into the sky. Snow/Lightning shippers rejoice, but realize that that they already paid for the assassination of the FFXIII cast and there is no refund.

So now we see the results of that poor choice in judgment. Vanille, Snow, and Hope are all sucked out of a plane and thrown into the sky. Fans scream in terror as they realize the horrible mistake they just made.

Luckily, Lightning and Fang are there to save the day as they jump out of the plane and into the sky. Fang then epically throws her crystal. Lightning aims her gun epically and epically shoots the tiny object, somehow hitting it, and summoning Bahamut to save the falling characters. Fans breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Next is a flashy fight montage, and a running montage, a chocobo montage, a running montage, and more fighting montages.

A giant meteor falls from the sky and crashes into the background behind Hope. Out of the cloud of smoke emerges a huge monster robot thing. From the back you can hear the giant robot say, "Brother, let's find the philosopher stone!"

Vanille's summon then appears, as some glitter flutters around her. She then strikes a pose as she say, "Moon Cosmic Power!" The creature suddenly gains the addition of heavy machine guns which glitter.

We now see all six part members on some sort of platform. Lightning then decides to have some fun. "Simon says follow the main character!" Lightning screams as she jumps into the sky. Everyone else follows, minus Vanille, who has a look that says, "Are you guys crazy?! Let her fall and then we'll become the main character. Or I'll become the main character ha!"

The rest of the trailer looks like something out of Speed Racer, with all sorts of neon colors, flashy lights, and screams of glee. This highlight is Hope jumping in front of a moving vehicle and yelling, "GTF off my grill". The car is then smashed by Robot Al.

Lightning performs all sorts of flips and jumps, before finally pulling out her gun and shooting the audience.

The end.


End file.
